Towards the sun.

This weather has been anything but glorious.  I find myself sitting in my bedroom, ready to jot down my frustrations.  Here I am complaining that the sun isn't shining when people in Missouri are losing their families, their homes, everything.  Mother nature isn't being very motherly right now, but I continue to have hope in her and in humanity. 

I will be continuing on to a new chapter of my life in less than a month.  I have mixed emotions about everything, but am overall happy and excited to start this exciting adventure.  What does God have in store for me afterwards?  This is something I ponder on most often, but have to remind myself to take each day one at a time.  Who knows what will happen?  Things will lay themselves out at my feet soon enough.  I recently wrote a poem that I have been wanting to share.  I don't really think it makes much sense, but just ramblings of a 23-year old poet?  Indian?  Vegetarian?  Friend?  Advocate?  I don't know...

Changeling.

I am a changeling.
Blackbird whistling just after the storm,
haunts me to sleep.
Jewelry box repeats,
repeats, repeats.
Sunshine paints my face.
The old dresser with the mark
still makes me cringe.
They say love stains our bodies--
how quickly mine fades,
deep amber to ash.

I am a changeling.
Orange to blue...to...
Bitterbrush.
Sage.

Sada Gab, 2011

Just ramblings.  Amen.

"...All that we see or seem/ Is but a dream within a dream..."

Well, it is May already and I just can't believe it!  I will be moving to Eugene in a little over a month, starting school on June 20th, and the mayhem will begin.  Is this the consistency of life that I had hoped for?  I believe so.  Life seems so strange to me sometimes, I don't know what to make of it.  One moment you know what you want to do, then the next you're questioning yourself.  I know this is what I want to do, but I'm scared of the "after life," if you will.  What's after getting my Master's?  Obviously I will be hoping, praying, wishing for a good job somewhere, but is that it?  Will that be my "career" for the rest of my life?  It's so weird to say, and think, but it's something everyone thinks about...I hope.  I'm only 23 and sometimes I feel way too young to be trying for my Master's and eventually being a teacher...  But I'm not.  "This is life, Sada."  That's what I have to tell myself often. 

I am reminded of a great time in my life when I was reading poetry, fiction, non-fiction, essays, by some of the best authors known to man.  And I keep coming back to this poem by Edgar Allen Poe.  It was one of my favorites when I was growing up, but I didn't understand it, and now when I read it something just clicks about life and living.

A DREAM WITHIN A DREAM

Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow--
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone ?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand--
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep--while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?
-Edgar Allen Poe

It's interesting how the author changed his mind at the end of this poem.  In the first stanza he says factually, "All that we see or seem/ Is but a dream within a dream."  Then the second stanza he asks, as if someone could answer the hardest question asked, "Is all that we see or seem/ But a dream within a dream?"  I wonder how even the smartest or intellectually gifted philosophers would answer this question.  Is this life a dream?  I wonder sometimes.  I am thankful for this life I have, this meaningful life is something worth while.  I know I will do great things and make many proud, but it's getting past the clouds of doubt and the bits of hysteria that go on inside my heart.  My heart is its own entity, it thinks for itself sometimes.  I can't control it, it just does what it wants.  My soul, it floats along like a hummingbird does--very quietly and with a tiny buzz about it, ready for anything.

So I ask you now, "Is all that we see or seem/ But a dream within a dream?"

        

 

What makes a heart so hard.

For some reason I just keep thinking about people who have hard hearts.  When I say "hard", I mean people who won't let love in.  People who continuously push others away.  People who carry grudges with them until they can no longer even remember what the grudge was, but they continue to have a hard heart.  These are the people that I feel like I need to reach out to, but sometimes that isn't always the easiest thing to do.  Like I've said before, I think my purpose in this life is to help others and share with them what it's like to have a kind and compassionate heart.  I really want to make an impact on people's lives, but it seems that lately I have struck out in that area.  I will continue to try though, and really show others what I am capable of and why I want to help them.

My own little heart is bursting with anticipation of hearing about the scholarship that will not only pay for my year of tuition, but give me a monthly stipend, buy me and computer, and support me throughout grad school.  I feel truly blessed to have been able to apply to this program and scholarship.  I feel that this is where I am headed and I just want all those around me to support me and help me through it, which everyone has been and it has really given me the courage and strength to be patient and wait this out.  I hope to hear about it this week or next.  Waiting hasn't always been a strong point for me.  I know I need to just sit back and trust that everything will work out in my advantage. 

I've been blessed with a job and a little income now, which has been great.  This keeps me preoccupied and is truly a new field, one that I've never thought I would have the opportunity to wander into.  I'm a coffee Barista here in Klamath Falls, truly the best coffee shop in town.  I really enjoy working there and meeting new people every single day.  It's amazing to me the people I meet and see, and the great conversations that are had.

I am hosting my very own "31 Bits" House party on April 23rd.  I am so excited for this.  I just want a chance to help these amazing women in Uganda and support them in their lives.  The jewelry they make is amazing and so unique.  I am so happy to be a part of this cause and support their dreams.  This is another certain aspect of my life that I want to change.  I would love to be able to travel to Uganda and surrounding areas to volunteer and reach out to women who are struggling.  And not only women, but children too; anyone really. 

That's where everything starts to come back into perspective.  Get school done first, then I can do anything I want!  I can go anywhere and stay and teach, or help.  Ahhhhh, to be able to do that would surely be the best thing in the world.  I believe so, yes.  But for now it's working and coaching.  Living and breathing.  Helping and loving. 

Namaste.

My heart is like the ocean.

My heart is like the ocean: vast, insurmountable, grand, strong, charismatic, flowing.

I was accepted into U of O's Special Education program!  The program starts on June 20th, 2011, which seems just around the corner...  It is only 2 months away and I seem to be nervous already.  Nervous to move, nervous to go to U of O, nervous to study.  I am a good student, but I never really proved it to myself or to others.  I believe this is my chance to shine and really make those around me see what a hard-working, caring, and devoted person I am.  This is my one shot to really do something great for others, as well as for myself.  I feel so blessed to have made it this far in my life, and to continue on to Graduate School really excites my heart.  I am so blessed and I have so many people to thank for that.  I also thank God for his many blessings and love.  I would not be anywhere close to where I am today if I didn't have Him in my life.  It's been a bumpy road, but here I am alive, healthy, and happy.

Living in Eugene excites me and makes me very eager to get involved with things in the community.  I remember when Jared was living in Eugene and he was involved in the Grower's Market.  He would work at the market for a certain number of hours and then get 10%-15% off whatever he was buying that day.  I think it's a great way to get involved and also meet new people and support local growers.

I hope I have time to do things other than school work, but I am prepared for that not being the case.  Grad school is a huge commitment and takes up an enormous amount of your life and I commend everyone that is going through that right now.  You rock!

As for right now, my heart is singing a song and doing a little jig.  Thank you for being you and reading this.  I appreciate it.  Namaste.        



            

This must be the path.

Well, I've made it to March!  Things are going good.  Life is starting to lay itself out at my feet.  I recently (Monday) received a phone call from the University of Oregon Special Ed Department to set up an interview.  I am so happy about this.  I can't believe that this is what I am supposed to do, but I feel most confident about it.  I know that it isn't going to be an easy task at all, but with the support from everyone around me I know I will succeed.  I can't even describe my support circle and how much they mean to me.  All of you.  You are amazing.  I couldn't have done it without YOU.  I love all of you so much. I've been so blessed to have come across the people I have.  Each individual has helped to shape me into the person I am now.  And I'm so grateful.  I feel like I've just won an Oscar and am up onstage delivering my 5-minute speech, thanking everyone I know.  Even though I am not yet accepted into the program, I feel like I've already been because of all the people that support me by encouraging me and showing me they care.  Thank you.

I've finished reading Aron Ralston's, "Between a Rock and a Hard Place."  Let me tell you, it was brutal.  But I enjoyed reading it because I wanted to hear about his experience.  That's what we do, we read to hear about other people's experiences hoping to one day have an experience similar to theirs.  I don't want to have quite that intense of an experience, and I'm pretty sure he didn't plan on it,  but to appreciate and be close to nature--that is what I want.  I have some places that I would love to visit.  I think all of those plans will have to be put on hold for awhile if I get into grad school, but to just be able to think about the places and start saving money to one day go there...  it's an amazing feeling.  It gives me that official feeling that life is here.  Right now.  It's starting, whether I want to grow up or not isn't relevant anymore.  I AM grown up.  Here I am.  Take me or leave me, but here I am.

I love this quote by Kahlil Gibran, "Forget not that the Earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair."  We can't forget about nature.  The Earth has given so much to us, but what have we given it?  Pollution, we've killed trees, forests.  We've over-fished the oceans so bad that the fish left in the ocean are dying because they have nothing to eat, we throw garbage in the ocean.... The list goes on and on.  Some cities are so full of pollution in the air that they can't even SEE the stars in the sky at night...  That is NO way to live.  And I won't ever live like that.  I guess what I'm saying here is do your part.  Help the Earth to live on.  We can't continue to treat it like this.    

http://www.pattfoundation.org/what-can-you-do/individual/reduce/index.php 

This discussion goes full circle.  If I want to thank the people that have helped me, I want to share this with them as well.  We're all in this together.  So here I am, sharing my innermost fears, thoughts, bursts of hysteria...  Thank you for reading.

Peace.               
               

Be the change.

I am often reminded of this quote by Gandhi, "Be the change you want to see in the world."  I have been trying very hard to be that change.  Tomorrow I mail in my applications to grad school!  This is the change that I am most longing for.  I really pray and hope for the best.  All I want to do is change lives and impact people's hearts.  Is that really that much to ask for?  :]  It isn't fair when you see children struggling in school and having such a hard time getting by.  Children deserve better.  They deserve such a wonderful and bright future--all children do.  Not just children here in America, every single child on this beautiful planet deserves a bright future full of possibility.  That's why I'm hoping one day I can branch out and journey forth to a different country and teach children there that are underrepresented and struggling too.  Right now it's a long shot, but some day it might not be.  I know there's a plan, some divine path that I am supposed to take.  I'm just waiting patiently to take the first steps.

I've also put in my application to be a volunteer at a local school here.  I will be volunteering in not only a Special Education classroom, but an Autism classroom as well.  These are some extreme cases of Autism, but that doesn't scare me or make me hesitant to try and get through to these kids.  It makes me even more willing to put my foot in the door and walk in with a smile on my face.  I used to be scared of anyone with a Developmental Disability, but now I am so comfortable and able to interact that I don't think twice about it.  I just dive in and hope for the best.  There's really no other way it can be done.  You just have to go in with an open mind and open heart.

I recently started reading, "Gandhi, An Autobiography: The Story of My Experiments with Truth."  I would recommend it to anyone who is interested in Gandhi and interested in truth.  Honestly, I bought this book for Jared for Christmas, but he hasn't had any time to read it.  So I picked it up one day and started reading.  The title of the forward of Gandhi's autobiography is a quote by Gandhi himself, "I have nothing new to teach the world.  Truth and non-violence are as old as the hills."  That seems so true to me, for lack of a better word.  There is so much truth in those two sentences.  Non-violence is as old as the hills, but we seem to disregard that.  Violence is very much a part of this world--look at what's happening in Egypt.  I am not very far in Gandhi's Autobiography, it's very thick, but I have realized this: that seeking truth is our weapon against violence.  And that is what the people of Egypt are doing.  They are seeking truth, but they aren't doing it in a very non-violent manner at all...   

I seek truth for myself.  What is the truth, what is my path, where will I go, who am I becoming.  There is much truth to be told in my life.  Truth: I love you, I love God, I love sunflowers, I am a good person with a kind heart, I have many flaws, I am obsessed with the color orange, I don't like running, but I do it anyway, I've always been a momma's girl and probably always will be.  More truth: I want to help people in this lifetime, I want to impact people's hearts and change lives, I want to live a healthy, happy, and fulfilling life.  There are many more truths to be told and many more to discover.  What's your truth? 

Ta-Ta for now.       

                                       

Adjusting.

Well, I've made it to Klamath Falls.  I haven't yet found a job, but I'm still looking.  I've just been hanging out at our little farm house.  I can see Mt. Shasta from the porch, it's pretty glorious.  Mountains are so majestic, so surreal.  Sometimes I think I can reach out and touch it--it's that close.  The light that shines through the trees seems to make the whole house so peaceful.  All I can hear is Koda snoring and the cars as they pass out on the highway.  That's not too bad.  I'd rather hear that than city sounds.  Cars, horns honking, people yelling, screaming, glass shattering... 

But I do miss being close to the city.  It was nice being able to just get up and drive there and come back in one day.  I miss Monmouth.  I think it's okay to miss Monmouth.  I think there are a lot of people out there that do miss it.  I miss people there--my friends.  I miss the insanely odd coffee shop where I used to go sit and read and drink my chai tea.  I honestly miss doing my laundry at the laundry mat.  I loved going there, it was always such a weird encounter.  But it was memorable.  And that's what we want, right?  To create and enjoy our memories of things, people, places.  There are some fine memories from Monmouth.  Good and bad ones, but undeniably there are more good than bad.  Monmouth is where I essentially grew up as an adult.  I spent my childhood in Chiloquin.  I grew up as a teenager (18) to my 20's in Coos Bay.  And then I spent the rest of the time in Monmouth.  

 Now it seems I've come full circle.
I can't say I'm all the way grown-up and fully ready for all the grown-up stuff, but I do give thanks and gratitude to Monmouth for allowing me to sometimes be a little out of control, but still encouraging me to be the person that I know I am.  Thanks Monmouth.  And thank you friends for reading this rubbish.  Adios.